I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The Book. The Movie.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too