I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
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“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!