I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
You Might Also Like
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer