@Talk_To_The_Hat

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

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@Lhlodder

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

@MrGeorgeWallace

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

@hippieswordfish

kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen
little girl: he said he’d been tested!

@aimlessamers

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

@DannyZuker

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

@DrRocktopoid

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.

@DestineyLynn

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

@Marlebean

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

@envydatropic

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel