I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

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Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”


I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.


kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen
little girl: he said he’d been tested!


I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume


My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.


My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.


As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.


Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop


*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel