I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
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I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.