I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
You Might Also Like
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
A flock of dads is called a grill.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???