I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
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Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
bugs when you lift up a rock
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Hey I worked for it too!
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment