I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
You Might Also Like
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Gemma Correll
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.