Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

This rocks

Spring cleaning checklist…

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!