Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tremendous stuff

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

It’s on my to-do list.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

lmao

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”