Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.