“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
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God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
twitter users today:
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.