“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
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yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS