“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
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“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser