I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
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Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️