I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*