I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
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[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Science memes
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Stop
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Multitask? I can barely unitask
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?