Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here