I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
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I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.