I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
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Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Venn
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.