Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

Asking the real questions!

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.