I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
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can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!