Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
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Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Perfect
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.