Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Social Media and Real life

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.