Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

mmm onion ringos

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

Seems a bit forward

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.