Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

✌️

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”