I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
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It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
True.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.