I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
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Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
my proudest tweet
I’d use my best pan on you.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Thank you corporation very cool
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.