I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
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If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Before crowbars crows drank alone
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
These are so Plastic Man-core
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
