I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
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•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
!!!!!!!!!!!
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.