I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
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Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home