Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy