I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
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ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
me, after any kind of buffet.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
ouch
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
We all have our pet causes.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?