I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
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went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.