I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
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Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
