I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
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“i am a sweet baby”
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Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
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Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.