Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.