I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
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Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again