Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!