Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reminder

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket