Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

I told my vodka about you.

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*