“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”


“Opposite that café”

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An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”


[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes


Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.


Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*


You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.


[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?


*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*


Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.