“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
You Might Also Like
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Super Hand Dog Face
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My typo game is string.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.