I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
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Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.