Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

Yes my dude

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

Did…did a minotaur write this

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island