I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
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Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears