Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

#Caturday

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit