I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
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[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”