Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

When I snag the last meatball.

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.