I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
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MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive