Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist