Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.