I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
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I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos