Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

Krampus.

That 👊