Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

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[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

ㅤ

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator