I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
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*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
The Friday File.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…