Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

North and South

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.