I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
You Might Also Like
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Your honor these allegations are
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job