I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
![]()
You Might Also Like
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
![]()