Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky