Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
You Might Also Like
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.