Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

where’s Godzilla when we need him

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

the prophecy has been fulfilled

This made me chuckle cuz mood

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Google assistant rules

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”