Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..
He’s a small arms dealer.
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I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all