My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
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Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.