@Daddy_dougie

I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..

He’s a small arms dealer.

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@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

@AnOrangeSNES

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

@Fred_Delicious

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

@Whitnuts

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

@TheCatWhisprer

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

@david8hughes

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

@mikejanson2

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all