I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
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Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills