I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
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[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I hope it’s French Onion!
