Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”