I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
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God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
One venti cheeseburger please.
The new American dream is an alien invasion.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
no regrets
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Livid.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
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