I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
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“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.