I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
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Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
tell em, edith-anne
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.