I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
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My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…