Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

In space, no one can hear…

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes