I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.