Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

my friends: omg how are you!

me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice